Question: How to stop being a control freak? I want to stop trying to control everything and micromanage others, but I don’t know where to start. I feel anxious when things aren’t exactly as I think they should be. It stresses me out and causes me to alienate others. Can you help?
Answer: In my experience, the need to control your environment and the people around you often stems from childhood experiences:
Parentified children
Most commonly, such a person was “parentified” as a small child. This means one or more adults around them were acting immature, needy, or unpredictable. Directly or indirectly, they may have indicated that the child needed to take responsibility and manage the situation.
You can imagine (and perhaps have experienced) how frightening this can be for a child. Instead of being protected, guided, and taught how to deal with challenges by the adults who should naturally be doing that, the child is thrust into the role of a helper, or even a protector, with little experience, power, or authority to do it effectively.
Small children think in simple, generalized terms. There is little sense of nuance or complexity. They don’t yet have the perspective to discern what is tolerable and what isn’t, or what might have serious consequences versus what probably won’t. For a child, everything feels important, intense, and absolute—all or nothing. Parentified children often feel: either I have everything under control, or everything will fall apart and something horrible will follow.
Losing control (which, of course, often happens to parentified children despite their best efforts) can bring guilt, a sense of inadequacy, and an almost mortal fear of losing a parent or the whole family. It can also result in the child being criticized or rejected by one or more family members. These experiences shape the child’s mental and emotional development, influencing their expectations of the world and relationships.
Even as adults, they often continue to feel that if they don’t have control over their environment, things will quickly fall apart and they will be rejected. A person who couldn’t trust their own parents to be reliable, can often feel a lack of trust in other important people. Ironically, the very behavior that once kept chaos and rejection at bay can now lead to rejection in adulthood.
Parental role models
People whose parents were very critical and controlling may adopt this behavior as perfectly normal and expected. They might perceive controlling behavior as an expression of love and care.
Since controlling parents are often driven by fear, the child may absorb this fear and form the belief that the world is a dangerous, unpredictable place. For young children, their parents’ fear is often far more impactful than their own, shaping how they view and interact with the world.
Trauma, abuse or neglect
In situations of trauma and abuse, children (and adults) can feel utterly powerless, lost, and overwhelmed. They may try various coping strategies, ultimately adopting those that seem most effective. If they find that attempting to control everything helps them manage their anxiety, they will adopt that behavior as a protective mechanism. As in the above cases, they may also feel overly responsible for everything around them.
A neglected child might take on too much responsibility in an effort to prove their worth. They may discover that controlling people and circumstances earns them attention and approval. The more these patterns are reinforced over time, the more ingrained the behavior becomes, often carrying over into adulthood.
Inherited traits
Anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can have biological roots. Traumatic experiences in past generations may have led to changes in DNA that were passed down to descendants of affected people. Still, it is usually the environment that activates and shapes the development of our genetic potential.
How to let go of control?
So, how do you stop being a control freak? First, based on the information above, start by recognizing your emotions and identifying where they come from. Ask yourself: What do I fear will happen if I don’t interfere? Why don’t I trust others to handle things? How old do I feel when I experience that fear? What does it remind me of? What emotions am I really afraid of? How could I cope with these emotions differently?
Second, remind yourself that you are no longer a child at the mercy of others. If the thing you worry about happens—say you’re late or a child gets a minor scratch—is it really so terrible? How can you cope if it does happen? How likely is it that it will? While some things are worth preventing, there are many small issues that don’t matter as much as we think, or are unlikely to happen. Remind yourself that if you risk alienating people over minor things, it’s probably not worth it.
Third, practice letting go of control in small steps. What small, manageable things can you allow without feeling overwhelmed? (Don’t go to extremes or ignore common sense, of course.) Perhaps try not cleaning up every tiny mess immediately, letting a child break a toy, or arriving 5 minutes late. If nothing bad happens, recognize that and enjoy the relief. If something mildly unpleasant happens, allow yourself to feel the emotions without panicking. Again, think about where these feelings come from and be kind to yourself as you process them. You may find it’s not as difficult to manage as you imagined.
Fourth, when something really bothers you, but you know it’s a small issue, make your requests to others in a considerate and respectful way, rather than blaming or demanding. For example: “I know it doesn’t really matter if we’re a bit late, but for some reason it really bothers me. Could you do me a favor and hurry up?” Taking responsibility for your feelings, rather than insisting you’re right and others are wrong, has a much better impact on relationships.
Finally, be aware that some people are labeled “controlling” by selfish or narcissistic individuals who don’t want to cooperate or be considerate. Know the difference. Find your inner sense of balance. Recognize what truly matters to you and why. If you feel like someone is manipulating or emotionally blackmailing you but you’re unsure who’s in the right, seek feedback from trustworthy and mature individuals.
If you want to dive deeper and work on resolving your childhood programming, consider trying our online coaching.
Suggested reading:
How To Overcome the Fear of Making Mistakes
