How can you tell if your partner is truly over their past relationship?

photo credit: Negar Nikkhah

from Q&A section

Question: How can you tell if your partner is truly over their past relationship or if they are hiding their feelings to spare your feelings?

Answer:

• they show genuine enthusiasm about being with you (not just verbally, but also non-verbally)
• they communicate with you a lot and openly, they often initiate communication and share their life with you
• their non-verbal behavior makes you feel secure (see the first point)
• they rarely mention their ex, and when they do, it’s with a neutral attitude (a negative attitude can also be acceptable if the ex was toxic, but it can also be a red flag if they talk negatively about most of their past relationships. See also: Red Flags in Relationships)
• they are emotionally open and available.

The most important thing is to listen to your healthy gut feeling (which is a different thing than fears and self-doubt that might be coming from your childhood – more about it in How To Make Better Decisions?)

I recommend discussing your concerns about your partner’s past relationship with them directly. If they are healthy and honest, they will likely validate your feelings and share their own in a calm and transparent manner. Pay attention to their non-verbal communication to see if it is open and congruent or if it appears tense and guarded. Be mindful of whether they attempt to gaslight you or shift the focus by criticizing you. (Keep in mind that if this topic has already been a source of conflict, your partner might feel attacked or controlled by repeated questioning, which could lead to avoidant behavior. Excessive jealousy can sometimes create an environment where a partner feels it is not safe to speak openly.)

Another important factor to consider, especially if you are preoccupied with comparisons to your partner’s past relationships, is your own self-worth and confidence. People who feel secure and confident in their value are not troubled by such comparisons. This inner confidence also makes them more attractive.

Rather than dwelling on your partner’s past relationship, consider using this as an opportunity for personal growth and healing. When you start to feel insecure or doubtful, shift your focus to practicing self-love. Our guided exercise here can support you in this process. As you build healthy self-esteem, you will find that you trust yourself more, which makes relationship decisions much easier.

Read on:

Is It OK To Stay In Touch With an Ex?

When Hope is a “Negative” Emotion

Green flags: how can I recognize a healthy relationship?

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