愛は3年続く？

人間関係の失敗

I’ve once read an article in a paper magazine which half-jokingly stated that “every love relationship lasts 3 years”. The idea was that intimacy, passion and infatuation in an average relationship last about 3 years, after which they either dissipate into boredom and routine, or turn into resentment and criticism.

Even if no expert can seriously support such an idea, it didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s based on the fact that few couples manage to deeply love and respect each other for many years. The theory about “the shelf-life of love” is an expression of a rather cynical resignation of many people whose hopes and dreams of happiness were shattered, perhaps repeatedly.

Maybe you are convinced it can’t happen to you… or maybe you remember being convinced it couldn’t happen to you? It only takes a bit of laziness, ignorance and thoughtlessness to spoil your most important adult relationship.

A rational explanation of this half-serious “theory” could be summarized in this way: by the third year of an average relationship, positive projections and transference* have faded away, negative projections and transference have developed, motivation has given in to laziness, communication has become careless and inconsiderate, the partners have started to 決込むカーペットの下の毛玉は成熟し、繁殖し始めた。

It’s so easy to thoughtlessly lash out at the partner when for whatever reason we feel irritable, to blame them for our immature anger, to strive to control them out of various fears, and show less and less love and respect because “it’s understood”.

信頼関係の構築

愛と情熱は、信頼と尊敬を築くことによって何年も維持することができる。 癇癪を起こすたびに、思いやりのない発言をするたびに、無責任で軽率な表現をするたびに、信頼と尊敬の両方が損なわれる。 それらがなくなっても、（転移に基づく）不健全な絆はしばらくの間存在しうるが、健全な愛は存在しえない。

Some relationships fall apart because people carelessly apply the idea that it’s healthy to argue and express oneself. This is basically true – but many people practice that idea without much responsibility and self-awareness. Thus what might have been a healthy discussion can easily become a power struggle full of criticism and blaming. Arguing and expressing yourself is healthy – providing you do it responsibly and thoughtfully. 

情熱と感情的な緊張やドラマを同一視する人もいるかもしれない。. They might half-consciously provoke fights and insecurity to increase “passion”. They probably learned to associate emotional drama with love as young children, in their early families. If such people don’t put effort into resolving that pattern, they might find it very difficult to even be attracted to a healthy and responsible person. Thus achieving a quality relationship might be nearly impossible.

大人の恋

Infatuation doesn’t last forever, no matter how much we might hope so. But if you maintain trust and respect, infatuation will be replaced by a more stable and calm form of love. Healthy love usually does not bring so much intensity, ups and downs, butterflies in the stomach even at the very beginning, compared to infatuation based on childish transference. You might ask, does it mean that healthy love means less passion? You might perceive it that way if you confuse tension and drama with passion.

Healthy love does not include so much obsessiveness, idealizing, anxiety, relief and rapture at every sign of attention by a loved one, but that’s more than made up for by passion which is calmer, but deeper; by 相互承認と信頼から生まれる親密さ自己欺瞞や投影ではなく、自分自身との良好な関係を維持することによっても。

健全な情熱は時間とともに成長し、深まっていく。 お互いを理解し、認め合う機会が増えている. Acknowledging our mistakes responsibly, calm and supportive reactions when the partner is emotionally overwhelmed, expressions of affection and attention … enable intimacy and respect to grow rather than decrease. Every time you express your opinion, disagreement or an objection thoughtfully and without criticism, every time you show you pay attention and think about what your partner says… you add another brick into the house of lasting love.

賢明な選択

You shouldn’t take all the responsibility upon yourself, however. For your expressions of respect, understanding, and support to improve your relationship, your partner also needs to recognize them, appreciate them, and be motivated to reciprocate. Not all people are willing or able to do so. Here are some 見るべき主な性格的特徴 パートナーを選ぶとき（あるいは交際を続けるかどうかを選ぶとき）：

• 感情的な意識。 People who are used to ignoring their own feelings won’t be able to distinguish which of them are healthy, and which are not, so they are likely to follow immature urges when those become strong enough.
• 責任.あなたのパートナーは、自分の過ちを認め、不健全な衝動を克服し、改めるべきパターンを認識し、それを改める努力をする意思がありますか？
• 心のこもったコミュニケーション. Does your partner take care to choose appropriate words? Do they work on improving their communication, or do they believe it’s their god-given right to blurt out whatever they feel like, and if that feels hurtful, it’s your problem?
• 共感.思いやりの欠如は当然、無思慮、利己主義、無責任につながる。

もしあなたとあなたのパートナーがともにこれらの資質を持っているなら、あえて言うなら、他のどんな違いや誤解もほとんど解決できるだろう。しかし、これらの資質がひとつでも欠けていれば、長期にわたって幸せな関係を築ける可能性は低くなる。重要なのは この資質がどれほど強いか 人の中に？私たちが知っている尺度では測れないし、最初のうちは評価することさえ難しいかもしれない。

恋人の行動だけでなく、顔の特徴、言葉、しぐさから、これらの資質が欠けている可能性を探すときは、（希望ではなく）直感に頼ることをお勧めする。覚悟しておいてほしい。 it might take quite a while to figure out someone’s faults, especially if you don’t yet live together.  Try not to fully commit to a relationship until you’ve spent at least one year living together – that is often (but not always) enough for masks to fall. Of course, by that time your partner might decide you lack some of those qualities, so it pays off to practice self-awareness.

* プロジェクション と定義することができる。 我が 現実のものであれ、想像上のものであれ、感情、意図、特質は、その人のものである。 べつにん.

転移 とは、目の前にいる人を無意識のうちに、あたかもその人がそうであるかのように認識することである。 べつにん – usually somebody important from your past – and react with similar feelings and behaviors as if that other person were there.

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