Как ваша семья управляет вашим бизнесом

… even when you are not aware of it

Some time back, I was working with a small business owner who employed 7-8 people. On the outside, she had everything she needed to succeed: she was driven, innovative, genuinely cared about her customers, and offered services that for many people were a need rather than a luxury. Yet her results were bad and her business coach has told her she’d be bankrupt within 6 months if nothing would change.

She said the problems started when she ceased to be involved in „hands-on” activities and focused primarily on management. She trusted her staff to work well when she was not around, but instead they were continuously under-performing. Some of them started treating her with open or passive disrespect, making more and more demands or unexpectedly missing work.

I asked her how does she select her staff; she told me she delegates that to one of her senior staff members (let’s call her Mary). Soon it turned out that Mary was the key problem; one of her duties was to select and train new staff, but she slacked in both. Mary was also manipulative; she would hide certain passwords from her boss, would lie and gaslight her while in the same time pretending to care and worry for her. It wouldn’t take long before new employees would copy that attitude (And Mary would, of course, employ the kind of people она нравится.)

My client was aware of all or most of that. The obvious next question was, why wouldn’t she let Mary go? The answer was not so obvious. She felt somehow emotionally attached to Mary; she was also afraid that other employees who liked Mary would be angry, but the key problem was hope. Somehow she felt she had to believe that Mary would finally „see the light” and change. (See also: When Hope is a “Negative” Emotion)

A few questions later, it turned out that Mary reminded her of her younger sister she was made to take care of when she was young. The sister soon learned to exploit such a situation and manipulate the parents against my client. This was now mostly in the past, but unconsciously, the unresolved emotions and unfulfilled hopes were still there – and the unrealistic sense of responsibility, too.

We can easily guess Mary learned her complementary behavioral patterns with/from her family, too. She didn’t necessarily have to be a spoiled younger child, she could have also observed such behavior from other family members. Perhaps, as a defensive strategy, she adopted the same behavior others used to control her when she was a child. She would reap some short term benefits from such behavior, but in the long run she would lose trust and respect.

Чувствовать себя ребенком на работе

I worked with some more bosses and managers with similar issues, and, on the other side, quite a few regular employees who would suddenly feel small and resource-less in front of their boss. Some of them told me they would literally feel as if they were physically shrinking to a very small size. I would ask: „How old do you feel then?” The answer tends to hover around 3 years old.

For some people, simply seeing an authority figure they feel they depend on, unconsciously reminds them of their original parent-child relationship and causes them to forget most of their adult resources. They might say, „It feels like my head is suddenly empty and I can’t find any words to say”. This sounds like they age-regress to memories created before they learned to speak.

Почему это происходит

When we were children, particularly while we were toddlers, our brains were working in overdrive, trying to figure out the world and how to deal with it, as soon as possible. Through a combination of imitation and experimenting, we eventually learned what behaviors result in the most benefit and the least trouble around our family members. Those experiences became the script our brains tend to resort to in challenging situations. For some people, it’s to create drama, or to play a victim. For others, it’s to freeze and try to fade into the background. For some, it might be to blame themselves or to take responsibility. The problem is, what worked best in our families might not work best in the adult world.

The process of adapting to our families often requires us to ignore and suppress various painful emotions – and sometimes even happy emotions if they were not welcome in our families. However, life keeps showing us that suppressed does not mean gone. As one of the pioneering psychoanalysts C. G. Jung said, ‘Until you make the unconscious сознание, оно будет направлять вашу жизнь, и вы будете называть его судьбой..’

Неразрешенные эмоции из детства могут не только побуждать нас слишком много давать или прощать, но и вызывать необоснованные предрассудки и неприязнь. Если у вас был брат, который толкал вас, или дядя, который прикасался к вам неподобающим образом, или двоюродный брат, который нравился вашей матери больше, чем вы, то любой человек, чем-то напоминающий вам этих членов семьи, может показаться вам неприятным, даже если он никогда не делал ничего плохого. Сходство может быть чисто физическим, или у них может быть такое же имя, как у проблемного члена семьи. Если не распознать и не решить проблему, такие эмоции могут заставить даже хорошего человека относиться к кому-то несправедливо.

Как это проявляется

Еще несколько примеров того, как ваше воспитание влияет на ваше поведение на работе:

• Вы можете чувствовать себя неспособным установить границы для других или для самой нагрузки.
  
• You might try to prove yourself too hard, and never feel it’s enough (I had a client who would even deny herself food and sleep until she’d finish everything she’d expect herself to do in a day, which was, as you can guess, usually too much)

• You might feel spontaneously attracted to people who seem „normal” or „familiar” to you, even if they don’t treat you well, and might not feel able to let them go, out of guilt or fear or hope
  
• Вы можете почувствовать желание поиграть в игры власти с коллегами (что перекликается с соперничеством братьев и сестер).
  
• Будучи начальником, вы можете подражать авторитетам из своего прошлого, не признавая, что существуют более здоровые и продуктивные способы мотивации подчиненных.
  
• You might feel it’s not acceptable to stand out or to ask for what you want
  
• Вы можете медлить, боясь ошибок или надеясь, что решения придут извне (как это было, когда вы были маленьким).
  
• У вас могут быть проблемы с дисциплиной или стремление не подчиняться властям без веской причины
  
• You might stay at the job that doesn’t satisfy you anymore, because you’d feel guilty if you left.

Как оставаться взрослым

Describing all of our coaching would require a book (which I’m writing), but here are some helpful first-aid steps:

1. Без осознания изменений не бывает. Обратите внимание и признайте то, что вы чувствуете, а не избегайте или игнорируйте это.
   
2. Признайте, что, несмотря на свою силу, эти чувства, скорее всего, нереальны.
   
3. Remind yourself: “These feelings are a reaction to the past, not the present.”
   
4. Ask yourself: “Who or what does this person/situation remind me of? How old do I feel emotionally?”
   
5. Remind yourself: “This is not the same person or the same situation. I am an adult now and I have learned a lot since I was a child. What has worked in my family will likely not work now.”
   
6. Подумайте, какое поведение было бы взрослым и зрелым в вашей ситуации.
   
7. Большинство из нас больше всего на свете боятся собственных эмоций и автоматически пытаются убежать от себя в моменты сильного эмоционального дискомфорта. Если для того, чтобы вести себя по-взрослому, нужно сделать что-то, что вас пугает, обратите внимание на то, чтобы быть добрым и благожелательным к себе, справляясь со страхом и любыми другими неприятными эмоциями. Вместо того чтобы корить себя или пытаться убежать, поговорите с собой так, как это сделал бы заботливый и сочувствующий родитель или друг.
   
8. Даже если вы не справились с ситуацией идеально (что, скорее всего, так и было), признайте, что вы приложили усилия, и осознайте, чему вы научились, делая это. Признайте, что вы смогли справиться с дискомфортом и что в будущем вам будет легче и вы будете знать, что делать дальше. Продолжайте оказывать себе эмоциональную поддержку, если это необходимо.

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