Protecting one’s own личные границы and finding balance with other people, whether family or strangers, and often in subtle ways, are everyday parts of a human life. Testing and pushing on others’ boundaries is normal in a relationship of a child to a parent, and is still very much present among adults, too. Some people feel their disrespect of others’ needs and decisions as so normal they won’t even notice when they do it – while others может не заметить when it’s done to them. Most people learn to disrespect their own or other people’s needs in a very early age, depending of how their parents set their own boundaries, how they react to the child expressing his/her will, but also of how they treat each other.
In adulthood, the most important boundaries are those one sets with a partner and children. Since a partner is usually acquired before children, if you set boundaries with him/her first, later it’s easier to do it with children, too. A problem is that, usually, an adult person has much stronger and better solidified ideas about what is normal and acceptable – ideas which are not necessarily overly healthy.
A bigger problem is that many people – especially those who are naturally (or were raised to be) more considerate, insecure and/or responsible – feel a need to please their partners, which often turns into ignoring one’s own boundaries to accommodate the partner. Некоторые люди со временем привыкают отрицать все больше и больше собственных желаний, потребностей и ценностей, что в итоге может привести к оскорбительные или, по крайней мере, в отношениях, полных разочарований и неудовлетворенности.
Let’s say Mike and Tiffany agreed on a date, but Tiffany is late. She’s 15 minutes late, 20 minutes, half hour… and she doesn’t call or respond to calls. Mike feels frustrated, but doesn’t want to risk a potential romance before it even started, and decides to say nothing “this time”. He hopes this is an isolated case and not a habit of Tiffany’s. Perhaps Tiffany finally shows up with some weak excuse, or she only sends an apologetic message the following day. Mike is not happy with her behavior, but only grits his teeth and asks when they could meet again, because he likes Tiffany too much to “rock the boat” so soon.
Or, say, Anthony introduces Danielle to his friends, and proceeds to share private details from Danielle’s life with the group, or makes disparaging comments in her direction, probably presented as jokes. Danielle later complains about his behavior. Anthony will almost certainly say, “You are слишком чувствительный, I was just joking!” Danielle thinks, “Maybe I’m truly overreacting? Maybe it’s my problem if such things hurt me? When we are alone, he’s not at all bad! Best not to risk the relationship over such a small thing!”, and allows her needs to be silenced under the treat of being labeled as too sensitive.
Неважно, действовали ли Тиффани и Энтони из неуважения или их просто воспитали так, чтобы они считали бесцеремонное поведение нормальным, once they experience there will be no consequences, next time it’s even easier to repeat such behavior. They might even be more and more convinced that such behavior is acceptable, and might be surprised or offended if their partners object to it. On the other hand, Danielle and Mike might find it easier to ignore their own needs after they’ve already done it before. Thus an unpleasant surprise входит в привычку.
Люди - существа адаптирующиеся, поэтому мы можем бессознательно, даже против собственной воли, привыкнуть к неприятным обстоятельствам if we stay around long enough. After a while, we could be surprised when we look back and realize how many things we’ve learned to tolerate which we thought “we never would”.
If you think about all the variety of inconsiderate and irresponsible behavior you’ve gotten used in your own environment, perhaps you’d be surprised to realize how much of it is considered “normal”, not only in personal, but also business relationships: manipulation, dishonesty, various power struggles, exploitation… People who do these things usually find психологические оправдания и отговорки for them, usually because they’ve seen it justified or at least tolerated within their families and cultures.
Поиск баланса
To set boundaries, you don’t need some measurable, external confirmation you are “right”. It’s not so important, or sometimes even possible, to know who is wrong and who is right. What is important are совместимость и взаимное внимание. Чтобы уметь устанавливать правильные границы, вам необходимо:
1) не бояться рисковать в отношениях /работа/ что угодно
2) развивать чувство равновесия.
Developing a sense of balance is not so difficult in theory, especially as this is partly an innate human instinct. It might be trickier if your family trained you to believe you don’t have the right to express your needs and you’d be punished if you are angry or have demands. (Also you might have a problem with balance if your family taught you to believe that you are “special” and your needs are more important than others’.) Still, even then большинство людей сохраняют некоторый инстинкт баланса между собственными потребностями и потребностями других людей. Потратьте немного времени, чтобы рассмотреть ситуацию с более чем одна перспектива и решите, что имеет наибольший смысл.
If you are generally responsible and lean toward self-questioning, it’s more likely that you’d disturb the balance at your own expense than at somebody else’s. Keeping that in mind, it’s important to pay attention and give weight to your own needs as well as other people’s. Возможно, для этого вам придется столкнуться со старым детским чувством вины, страхом наказания или покинутости и решить эту проблему. Мы можем помочь вам в этом.
If you are used to emphasizing your own needs and dismissing others’, and you want to change this (congratulations, you are a rarebreed!), you might need to confront your fear of losing power, losing control, and perhaps losing a sense of specialness compared to other people. Don’t give up; such власть, контроль и важность - это всего лишь иллюзия anyway, or at least are very fragile. Self-esteem, happiness and relaxation you can achieve in healthy, balanced relationships are much more real and lasting. You will also need to exercise seeing other people’s perspectives and a conscious attitude of appreciation for other people’s needs.
If you are used to emphasizing your own needs and dismissing others’, and you want to change this (congratulations, you are a rarebreed!), you might need to confront your fear of losing power, losing control, and perhaps losing a sense of specialness compared to other people. Don’t give up; such власть, контроль и важность - это всего лишь иллюзия anyway, or at least are very fragile. Self-esteem, happiness and relaxation you can achieve in healthy, balanced relationships are much more real and lasting. You will also need to exercise seeing other people’s perspectives and a conscious attitude of appreciation for other people’s needs.
Страх наказания
Now let’s talk about the more difficult part: not to be afraid of losing a relationship (or something else you hope for). Such an attitude is usually most difficult to achieve in early stages of a relationship, when hopes are still high, while first красные флаги кажутся незначительными или случайными. Однако Начало отношений - самое важное время для отстаивания своих границ и выразить свои потребности.
Имейте в виду, что если выражение себя и своих потребностей означает, что другой человек может наказать или бросить вас, то этот человек явно не привык ни искать баланс, ни сотрудничать, ни быть внимательным или уважительным. Поэтому, очевидно, вы можете ожидать такого же отношения в будущем. It’s not likely you want or need such a person in your life. In such a case, it’s better to recognize this on time, than when it’s too lateВерно?
Укрепите эту мысль в своей голове: пока ваше общение мирное и конструктивное, любые истерики, обвинения, попытки напугать или унизить вас со стороны собеседника означают, что этот человек неуважительно относится к вам и пытается манипулировать вами. Even if you are used to this kind of behavior, it doesn’t mean you should accept it. If such behavior is present in the beginning of a relationship, there can only be more of it in the future. Единственный приемлемый ответ Спокойное установление границ - это мирные, ответственные и внимательные споры или переговоры. Только такая реакция означает, что у вас могут быть здоровые отношения в будущем. Если отношения здоровы, вы не сможете повредить им, стремясь к равновесию. Это справедливо не только для любовных, но и для дружеских, деловых и любых других отношений.
Sometimes, fear of losing a relationship is not the result of a realistic perception of one’s partner, but опыт ранней семьи. Возможно, ваш партнер ответственен и готов сотрудничать, но в вашем воображении очевидной реакцией при выражении своих потребностей будет ярость, наказание или отказ. Это означает. Ваши ожидания проистекают из вашего прошлогоно не в настоящем времени. Вам нужно понять, откуда они берутся, поработать с детской частью себя, чтобы помочь ей почувствовать себя в безопасности, и выработать новые привычки мышления, чувств и поведения. Все это мы можем вам помочь.
Иногда самая сложная задача - признать, что Слишком сильные узы к несовместимому партнеру - результат бессознательного поиска замена родителей. С такими связями можно работать и трансформировать их. Такая эмоциональная привязанность заставляет людей чувствовать, что у них не будет другого шанса на счастье и что они никогда не смогут найти кого-то лучше, чем их нынешний любовный интерес. На самом деле есть множество людей, которые будут здоровее и лучше для вас, чем человек, который накажет или бросит вас только потому, что вы ясно выражаете свои границы. Эмоциональная связь, возникшая в результате поиска замены родителям, должна быть исцеление изнутри, working with your “inner child”, rather than trying to keep a partner at all costs.
Определение последствий отсутствия сотрудничества
What if you are in a long term relationship or married, perhaps with children, and you recently realized that you spent years getting your partner (and yourself) used to not pay attention to your needs? Or, what if you are still in an early stage of a relationship, you recognize that your partner doesn’t have a well developed sense of balance and consideration, but you believe it can be changed?
Худшее, что вы можете сделать, - это дать угрозу, которую вы никогда не воплотите в жизнь., whether because you don’t dare to, or you take pity on your partner. The second most ineffective approach is to keep trying to convince your partner to change with demands and pleas, while not changing anything in your behavior. Every time you do it, and every time your partner successfully ignores your words, you weaken yourself and your boundaries. (All of this is true in relationships with children, too.)
В таких обстоятельствах наилучшим и, возможно, единственным эффективным подходом является determine practical consequences of ignoring your boundaries – in advanceи держаться за них до конца жизни. Называйте это наказанием, если хотите, но такие последствия должны быть не больше (или меньше), чем реакция здорового, уверенного в себе человека. Чтобы их можно было применить на практике, последствия должны быть умеренный и реалистичныйно при этом достаточно неприятно, чтобы мотивировать партнера.
Rather than threaten to end the relationship, try this: your partner doesn’t want to do their share of household chores? Let them wash their own clothes and cook their own food for a while at least. Your partner keeps being late when you need to go somewhere? Leave without them (if possible start using this approach in less important situations, rather than when you are in a rush to get on a plane). Your partner is embarrassing you in public? Leave them there and go home by yourself (preferably let them use public transport rather than leaving them the car). Your partner wants you to cancel your other tasks and agreements because they suddenly want you to do something else? Let them go where they want by themselves, while you stick with your plans. A temporary separation is a possible consequence for worse misbehavior, but best to determine in advance when this is appropriate, and who should stay where.
В идеале, заранее предупредите партнера о последствиях of their behavior, so they know what to expect and cannot accuse you of a temper tantrum or manipulation. Explain your partner why the need for such approach (because, obviously, words didn’t help). Does it sound a bit like raising a child? Yes, and it would be great if that wasn’t needed, but the reality is also that many adult people don’t want to take adult responsibilities.
Your partner might try to accuse you of controlling or manipulating them. Then it’s time to talk about what does balance in a relationship mean to them, and whether you are compatible at all. Ожидания и потребности не означают контроля над другим человеком, if there is no pressure to stay in the relationship – and also if you focus on what is really important to you, rather than insisting on things being your way every time. As usual, the key is in finding balance.
If it’s obvious that your partner doesn’t want to change something that for you is a requirement to continue the relationship, then it’s честнее закончить отношения мирным путем, чем пытаться заставить кого-то изменить in the way they don’t want to (even if such a change would be healthier for them). Everybody has a right to decide how they want or don’t want to change, and whether they want to stay in a certain relationship or not. The only obstacles to this – and the causes of various manipulative and controlling behaviors – are various childish fears, financial concerns, and the oversimplified tradition that says, “‘Til death do us part”. None of this is necessary in a modern society (ok, financial concerns can be realistic, but rarely unsolvable), and it’s certainly better to make your decision sooner rather than when it’s too late.
Чувствуете ли вы страх или вину when you consider determining consequences for somebody’s unpleasant behavior? Perhaps you were abused as a child, or in a previous relationship, or you might be злоупотребление in a current relationship, so you learned to fear punishment and violence if you stand up for yourself like a healthy adult. If your current partner makes you afraid, recognize that it’s likely a result of abuse rather than a normal state, and it’s time to seriously consider leaving that person. And if your fear comes from your past, this is not so difficult to work through and change.
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