Любовь длится 3 года?

Как разрушаются отношения

I’ve once read an article in a paper magazine which half-jokingly stated that “every love relationship lasts 3 years”. The idea was that intimacy, passion and infatuation in an average relationship last about 3 years, after which they either dissipate into boredom and routine, or turn into resentment and criticism.

Even if no expert can seriously support such an idea, it didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s based on the fact that few couples manage to deeply love and respect each other for many years. The theory about “the shelf-life of love” is an expression of a rather cynical resignation of many people whose hopes and dreams of happiness were shattered, perhaps repeatedly.

Maybe you are convinced it can’t happen to you… or maybe you remember being convinced it couldn’t happen to you? It only takes a bit of laziness, ignorance and thoughtlessness to spoil your most important adult relationship.

A rational explanation of this half-serious “theory” could be summarized in this way: by the third year of an average relationship, positive projections and transference* have faded away, negative projections and transference have developed, motivation has given in to laziness, communication has become careless and inconsiderate, the partners have started to воспринимать друг друга как должноеА куча под ковром уже созрела и начала размножаться.

It’s so easy to thoughtlessly lash out at the partner when for whatever reason we feel irritable, to blame them for our immature anger, to strive to control them out of various fears, and show less and less love and respect because “it’s understood”.

Развитие доверия

Любовь и страсть можно сохранить на долгие годы, если построить доверие и уважение. Каждая истерика, каждый бесцеремонный комментарий, каждое проявление безответственности и бездумности подрывают доверие и уважение. Когда их нет, нездоровая связь (основанная на переносе) еще может существовать какое-то время, но здоровая любовь - нет.

Some relationships fall apart because people carelessly apply the idea that it’s healthy to argue and express oneself. This is basically true – but many people practice that idea without much responsibility and self-awareness. Thus what might have been a healthy discussion can easily become a power struggle full of criticism and blaming. Arguing and expressing yourself is healthy – providing you do it responsibly and thoughtfully. 

Некоторые люди могут приравнивать страсть к эмоциональному напряжению и драме.. They might half-consciously provoke fights and insecurity to increase “passion”. They probably learned to associate emotional drama with love as young children, in their early families. If such people don’t put effort into resolving that pattern, they might find it very difficult to even be attracted to a healthy and responsible person. Thus achieving a quality relationship might be nearly impossible.

Взрослая любовь

Infatuation doesn’t last forever, no matter how much we might hope so. But if you maintain trust and respect, infatuation will be replaced by a more stable and calm form of love. Healthy love usually does not bring so much intensity, ups and downs, butterflies in the stomach even at the very beginning, compared to infatuation based on childish transference. You might ask, does it mean that healthy love means less passion? You might perceive it that way if you confuse tension and drama with passion.

Healthy love does not include so much obsessiveness, idealizing, anxiety, relief and rapture at every sign of attention by a loved one, but that’s more than made up for by passion which is calmer, but deeper; by близость, которая возникает благодаря взаимному признанию и довериюа не самообман и проекции; а также поддерживать хорошие отношения с самим собой.

Здоровая страсть может расти и углубляться со временем, ведь партнеры все больше шансов понять и оценить друг друга. Acknowledging our mistakes responsibly, calm and supportive reactions when the partner is emotionally overwhelmed, expressions of affection and attention … enable intimacy and respect to grow rather than decrease. Every time you express your opinion, disagreement or an objection thoughtfully and without criticism, every time you show you pay attention and think about what your partner says… you add another brick into the house of lasting love.

Мудрый выбор

You shouldn’t take all the responsibility upon yourself, however. For your expressions of respect, understanding, and support to improve your relationship, your partner also needs to recognize them, appreciate them, and be motivated to reciprocate. Not all people are willing or able to do so. Here are some ключевые черты личности, на которые следует обратить внимание при выборе партнера (или при решении, стоит ли оставаться в отношениях):

• эмоциональная осведомленность. People who are used to ignoring their own feelings won’t be able to distinguish which of them are healthy, and which are not, so they are likely to follow immature urges when those become strong enough.
• ответственность. Готов ли ваш партнер признать свои ошибки, преодолеть нездоровые влечения, признать модели поведения, которые ему необходимо изменить, и работать над их изменением?
• продуманная коммуникация. Does your partner take care to choose appropriate words? Do they work on improving their communication, or do they believe it’s their god-given right to blurt out whatever they feel like, and if that feels hurtful, it’s your problem?
• сопереживание. Отсутствие сострадания естественным образом приводит к бездумности, эгоизму и безответственности.

Если вы и ваш партнер обладаете этими качествами, то, смею предположить, почти все остальные разногласия и недоразумения могут быть разрешены. Но если хотя бы одно из этих качеств отсутствует, шансы на длительные счастливые отношения невелики. Ключевой вопрос заключается в следующем, насколько сильны эти качества в человеке? Мы не можем измерить их ни по одной известной нам шкале, а вначале их даже трудно оценить.

Я предлагаю вам полагаться на свою интуицию (а не на надежды) при поиске возможного отсутствия этих качеств не только в поведении, но и в чертах лица, словах и жестах вашего любовного интереса. Будьте готовы к тому, что it might take quite a while to figure out someone’s faults, especially if you don’t yet live together.  Try not to fully commit to a relationship until you’ve spent at least one year living together – that is often (but not always) enough for masks to fall. Of course, by that time your partner might decide you lack some of those qualities, so it pays off to practice self-awareness.

* прогнозы можно определить как восприятие наш собственный чувства, намерения и черты характера, реальные или воображаемые, как принадлежащие кто-то другой.

Перенос означает бессознательно воспринимать человека, находящегося перед вами, как если бы он был кто-то другой – usually somebody important from your past – and react with similar feelings and behaviors as if that other person were there.

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