Как давать советы партнеру, не ссорясь

Фото: рама харирак

This article was inspired by a common question: “Is it appropriate to give your partner advice about what you’d like them to change?” Let’s explore how to give advice without making your partner upset:

Общение о границах и желаниях в отношениях

Качественное общение - ключевой момент при рассмотрении вопроса о том, как дать партнеру совет по поводу изменения поведения. Уместно говорить о поведении, которое причиняет вам боль или влияет на качество вашей жизни. Вы имеете право уважительно сообщать о своих границах и желаниях. Однако непрошеные советы часто воспринимаются как критика и могут привести к конфликту.

При рассмотрении изменений в поведении партнера сосредоточьтесь на поведении, а не на критике его личности. Объясните свою точку зрения в дружеской и неконфронтационной манере.

If you’re hoping for your partner to change something for their benefit rather than solely yours, tread carefully. Firstly, consider how it would feel to you if somebody tried to change you in ways you might not like. Then, I suggest you start with the question: ‘Would it be OK for you if I gave you some advice about this topic?’ Communicate why the change is important to you.

For example: ‘Could we talk about your health and would it be OK for you if I gave you some advice about it? This is important to me, because health problems could influence the quality of our relationship in the future.’

Валидация

Listen to and validate your partner’s point of view. Try to understand what the behavior means to them. It could be a coping mechanism, a way to connect with family, or a source of comfort or security based on their past experiences. Consider their personality, upbringing, and communication style when offering advice. Ask your partner if there is a way you could help them that they would really appreciate.

How they will react to your advice depends on multiple factors: their personality, upbringing, and role models; your personality and communication style; the non-verbal message you convey; the nature of your advice; and whether your relationship is generally tense or full of trust. They don’t have to agree with you, but it doesn’t mean it’s OK for them to put you down or verbally attack you, for example.

См. также: Как получить эмоциональную поддержку, будучи подвергнутым критике

Поиск баланса и компромисса в отношениях

If your partner doesn’t feel like doing what you suggest, avoid pressuring them. Remember they have the right to refuse you, and being in a relationship doesn’t mean they have to be exactly what you want, or vice versa. Some people seem to have a fairy-tale perception of intimate relationships, believing that in a successful relationship there is no disagreement, or even that for them to be happy, everything has to be their way. Such all-or-nothing perspective is counter-productive.

Rather than trying to change or control your partner, presume they will remain as they are, and re-examine the relationship. Is what you want them to change a condition for you to be happy in a relationship, or not? If it is, it might be better to cut your losses and leave sooner rather than later. If it isn’t, work on finding ways to accept them as they are. After all, being accepted for who they are is one of the most important desires in an intimate relationship for most people.

Если при обсуждении этой темы с партнером вы заметили, что внутри вас всплывают сильные эмоции, отнеситесь к ним со всей ответственностью. Реалистичны ли они? Или, может быть, они слишком упрощенные и детские? Не преувеличены ли ваши опасения? Не напоминает ли вам эта ситуация кого-то или что-то из вашего прошлого? Может быть, вы реагируете на прошлое, а не смотрите на настоящее без предубеждения? (См. также: Что такое возрастная регрессия?)

Заключение

Remember that most advice will be perceived as criticism, even if mild. Giving advice requires sensitivity, empathy, and responsibility. It’s essential to address behaviors rather than personalities, to listen actively, and to respect each other’s autonomy. Ultimately, relationships thrive on acceptance and understanding, where both partners feel valued for who they are while also supporting each other’s growth.

Читать далее:

10 ключевых правил общения в отношениях

Что такое возрастная регрессия?

Как получить эмоциональную поддержку, будучи подвергнутым критике

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