Как по-настоящему простить и быть прощенным?

Почему иногда так трудно простить?

Во многих книгах по нью-эйджу и самопомощи говорится, что для достижения внутреннего покоя необходимо простить людей, которые причинили нам боль. Распространенное сообщение о том, как это сделать на самом деле, звучит примерно так: просто решите forgive! Or they might instruct you to repeat affirmations about forgiveness. But is it really so simple? Many people tell me it isn’t, and that trying to make themselves forgive часто приводит к подавлениюИ, возможно, самокритику или даже чувство вины, если они не могут по-настоящему почувствовать прощение.

Some days back, I was working with a man (I’ll call him Christian) who had a narcissistic mother who abused him viciously; physically, emotionally and sexually. He said his mother asked him for forgiveness on her deathbed. He told her, “No.”

Many well-meaning people would try to convince him that he “should” forgive, otherwise he just keeps carrying his pain around. But, think for a moment, какова функция гнева? Primarily to give us motivation and strength to protect ourselves or somebody or something valuable to us. We can easily presume that, as a child, Christian kept forgiving his mother over and over again, hoping she’d finally see his point of view and give him the love and support he needed. He kept forgiving because it’s difficult for a child to remain emotionally closed and distanced from his mother. Каждый раз, когда он прощал, это означало, что он открывался эмоционально и снова начинал надеяться.. Каждый раз его надежду жестоко разбивали. Он пытался выжить, соединившись с матерью; в конце концов он научился выживать, закрывшись от нее.  

Прощение часто предполагает вновь открыться эмоционально и довериться someone again. If somebody learned since the earliest age that this means suffering and violence, how to expect them to “just decide”? You could just as well “just decide” not to be sick. 

Так что же такое прощение на самом деле?

In Christian’s case, since his mother is now dead, forgiveness primarily means научиться чувствовать себя в эмоциональной и физической безопасности. I’m not referring to realistic external circumstances, which are much safer for an adult man than a little boy, but to changing his subconscious perspective, the part of himself which still expects people to treat him the way mother treated him as a child.

Christian needs to learn to trust his instinct in assessing other people; with whom does he feel safe, and who might be better avoided. (The problem might be that his instincts might be “skewed” by childhood impressions of what was “normal” in his family home.) He needs to learn to разобраться со своими чувствами – after spending his most vulnerable years feeling betrayed by his instincts and emotions. He also needs to recognize that, against his childhood experience, now it’s ok to say “No” and set boundaries to other people. He knows this logically, but doesn’t feel it in his body. Once he starts setting boundaries, he needs to continue doing it long enough to развивать доверие к себе а через него - чувство безопасности. 

Второй важный аспект прощения - это changing one’s own self-image. Помимо защиты от внешних угроз, гнев также (пытается) защищают нас от болезненных эмоцийВ первую очередь это унижение, стыд, вина, страх и чувство неадекватности. 

A small child has an instinctive need to trust their parents, to feel connected to them, and to justify their behavior. From a child’s perspective, the most obvious explanation for parental hostility is, “something’s wrong with me”. Even adult people, to find some sort of explanation and meaning, often (partially) blame themselves for injustice they experience. For a child, the self-blame can be overwhelming, and anger spontaneously follows to protect the child from breaking down. To let go of anger, we first need to resolve the painful feelings the anger was hiding; this is a process which takes time and requires work, rather than instant solutions. 

Как заслужить прощение? 

What if Christian’s mother was still alive? If she asked for forgiveness, it would probably mean expecting renewed emotional connection and more open communication from Christian. Does she have the right to demand it, without doing anything to build trust again?

Восстановление доверия, если оно было разрушено или сильно подорвано, требует следующих действий:

1. acknowledging one’s mistake (принимая ответственность за это) 
2. устранение повреждений (реституция, или воссоздание баланс), и
3. постоянное изменение поведения. 

The first and the third step are fairly understandable. What about the second step? It’s easy to repair a tangible damage; what if the damage cannot be measured in objective terms? If you have abused someone emotionally or sexually, how to achieve balance? Acknowledging your mistake is already a step in the right direction; it helps the hurt person rebuild their faith in themselves and stop blaming themselves, which is important in recovering self-esteem. But it might not be enough. There is no easy and generic answer for all cases, but think about what type of hurt did you cause and how can it be diminished. Then take steps in that direction. 

Most people who hurt others avoid making these steps, especially if a lot of time has passed and they don’t want to open old wounds. The real problem is trying to избегать дискомфорта и стыда в случае критики и неприятия. Если вы находитесь в подобной ситуации, возможно, вам стоит поработать над своей самооценкой, чтобы вы могли принять себя как несовершенное человеческое существокто все же смог научиться чему-то на своих ошибках, и может измениться. Then consider what would you prefer: intense discomfort that lasts a few minutes, but is followed by long term relief – or milder, but lasting guilt? 

I think that humans (and other social animals, too) have an instinct for keeping balance in relationships. Thus a disturbance in such balance can bother both sides for a long time. What if the other person refuses your attempt to rebuild balance, or is unavailable, or is dead? In that case, you can find your freedom from guilt in, perhaps, helping someone else, or doing something to help other people not to make the same mistakes. You might want to volunteer for a while, or talk about your mistakes and what you’ve learned from them in public (like этот парень), или пожертвовать средства организациям, которые занимаются восстановлением такого рода повреждений. Всегда можно что-то сделать. 

Christian’s mother might have indirectly acknowledged her mistakes, but didn’t have the courage and integrity to do the other two steps while she still could; instead she chose to wait until it was no longer possible and only then asked for forgiveness. Consciously, unconsciously or semi-consciously, doesn’t matter; the result was only more pressure on Christian and denying his needs and boundaries. Can forgiveness be given fully and honestly if the relationship is not healed through genuine, determined effort? What about the victim’s self-trust? Not only it was damaged through original abuse, but it can be additionally hurt through manipulative “extortion” of forgiveness без восстановления равновесия. 

There are many people besides Christian whose parents asked them for forgiveness shortly before death. Perhaps those parents found it easier to suffer guilt through most of their lives, rather than risking honesty and recognizing the need to change. A deathbed is a nice dramatic moment to ask for forgiveness; it’s traditional to expect the past strives to be forgotten in such a time, so many people are then less afraid of rejection or the conversation that might follow. But the survivor is left with an extra burden and the damage is not repaired.  

Жизненные ценности

Anger also serves to warn us against another, more subtle aspect of abusive behavior: the value system of the abuser. It’s important to recognize that the ключевые моменты насильственного или безответственного поведения это не в трудном детстве, сильных эмоциях, потере контроля над собой или даже возможной провокации со стороны другого человека (хотя эти факторы, конечно, могут помочь), но в первую очередь в основные жизненные ценности, которые позволяют вести себя безжалостно и жестоко к кому-то другому (или определенным группам людей). Подробнее об этом в эта статья. 

Almost everybody carries around some childhood trauma; practically everybody experiences age regression, intense emotional states and feeling provoked – but if a person has высокие жизненные ценностивключая эмпатию, они просто won’t allow themselves дегуманизировать окружающих людей, независимо от того, насколько силен эмоциональный порыв. Чтобы принять решение унижать, манипулировать или проявлять насилие по отношению к другому человеку, у него должна быть система ценностей, которая оправдывает и допускает такое поведение. 

Наше подсознание часто осознает это, даже если мы не всегда можем выразить это словами; наш гнев предупреждает нас о том, что слов и отдельных действий недостаточноВ человеке, который нас обидел, должно измениться что-то существенное, чтобы мы могли снова ему доверять. 

Наши ключевые ценности меняются только тогда, когда мы полностью, честно понимаем, не только на логическом, но и на эмоциональном уровне, почему такие ценности, как ответственность, сострадание и честность, важны не только для общества, но и для нас самих. До тех пор пока кто-то чувствует, что он получать больше пользы от насилия и контроля, чем от сотрудничества с другими, они будут создавать оправдания for trying to exert power and dominance – even when the perceived benefits are weak and temporary, while long-term consequences are bad. So, don’t just focus on analyzing words and behaviors; assess the value system of the person you are dealing with. 

Как исправить нанесенный себе ущерб?

All in all, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or opening up again to the person who hurt you. It primarily means being able to снова чувствовать себя хорошо. It means the injustice you experienced doesn’t weigh on your mind anymore, that you are not particularly frustrated in the (likely) case that the other person will never do anything to repair the damage and recover the balance. It means, more than anything else, that your self-esteem is solid. 

If the other person won’t cooperate, it doesn’t mean you have to feel bonded to them by anger and lack of balance. Построение здоровых отношений с самим собой helps you to leave your past behind and trust in future – or, more accurately, to have trust in your own ability to protect and support yourself in future. Thus the past loses the influence it would otherwise have through fear, shame and lack of trust in yourself.  

What about re-creating balance? If the person who hurt you won’t make the effort, consider what could you do for yourself to repair the damage. Maybe you can put extra effort in being lastingly kind and compassionate with yourself. Maybe you can treat yourself to something you really enjoy. Perhaps helping other people would make you feel better. Do whatever nourishes your spirit. 

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Самооценка и чувство вины

Как жить честно

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