Even if we are fully aware that most of our overly intense emotions originate in childhood, it can still be very difficult to turn inward in order to resolve them. Instead, we often instinctively search for external solutions. The urge to blame other people and try to change or control them can be overwhelming.
Why is it so difficult to recognize the truth even after we spend so much energy in vain, creating stress for ourselves and others while trying to change other people’s personalities? Even when we know that the real cause of our emotions probably lies in the past?
How does the habit of seeking external solutions develop
When we are babies and children, our biological instinct is to call on other people to solve our problems. Hungry? Mom will feed you. Dirty diaper? Someone will change it. Bored? Scream loudly enough and the environment will do whatever it can to entertain you. Tired? The family will do everything it can not to wake you, while also securing some well-deserved peace for themselves.
Even children of toxic parents inevitably learn that sooner or later, regardless of how much pain and struggle they experience along the way, at least their basic needs will eventually be met by others. In this way, a biological instinct turns into an emotional habit — the habit of relying on external solutions.
When we emotionally regress into childhood feelings, that instinct can awaken along with them. Age regression involves forgetting our adult resources or temporarily losing touch with them. The natural next step is to turn to the solutions we learned in childhood. In other words, we once again begin looking for external solutions to internal emotional states.
We may start to feel as if our emotional well-being, or even our physical safety, depends on the people around us. Essentially, this means that we at least partially confuse other people with our own parents.
This can be recognized in many areas of adult life. Generally speaking, people try to solve their emotional problems through all kinds of external activities — through various external solutions. For some people, money can become a strange substitute for parents, because it increases the sense of security and comfort and makes toys available (and often attracts the attention of other people). Others may turn to religion (“heavenly father”), magic, or New Age bio-energetic approaches. Food can become a temporary emotional comfort, reminding us of the soothing experience of feeding at a mother’s breast.
Intimacy and childishness
The instinct to seek external solutions becomes most obvious in romantic relationships. These relationships are often modeled from the very beginning on our relationship with our parents, and when problems arise and we regress into a childlike state, it can be extremely difficult to take responsibility for our own emotions. Old childhood instincts awaken again, and we may begin expecting our partners to solve the problem — which usually means that they should change.
“It never rains, but pours” – so in romantic relationships both partners enter childlike emotional states from time to time. This means that each begins demanding that the other one change. The problem is that even if the partner tries to change, the childlike part of us will always ask for more — just as we always needed more from our parents when we were children.
Depending on how much time people spend in such states, their relationships will gradually deteriorate and bitterness will accumulate. If, in addition, the partners lack good communication skills, a crisis becomes almost inevitable. If the state of age regression is intense, an exceptional level of emotional awareness and responsibility is required in order to avoid blaming the partner and to return ourselves to an adult state of mind — instead of once again searching for external solutions to our internal emotional processes.
I hope this can help you understand one aspect of behavior in relationships that very few people are aware of. Understanding alone will not automatically bring change — but it can help you recognize the moments when old instincts push you toward external solutions, instead of toward a deeper understanding of your own emotions.
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