Question: I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year now, and I feel the loss of passion and infatuation I felt at the beginning. I think, on one hand, this is a normal process. However, I find myself increasingly interested in other girls, and when I look within myself, a part of me would like to fall in love again and simply seek that obsession and dependency (at least that’s how I understand it). Somehow, I’ve decided willingly not to pursue another girl because this one has some great qualities that I like. But, on the other hand, emotionally, I also crave something higher, something better. I recognize a sort of addiction to being in love, and I think you’re right when you mention in the book that we can be addicted to practically anything (I see myself in that). Even though I have willingly decided not to pursue other girls, there’s something within my emotions that breaks through and seeks some addiction and fulfillment. The relationship is simply becoming boring to me, although I don’t consciously want that, so I feel confused. Should I explore the boredom? Could this be a flight into intellect from emotions, trying to stay in the relationship even though I sometimes find it boring?
What do you think about this? Am I right about this because I wouldn’t want to lose my girlfriend just because I’m infatuated with someone else? And how should I approach this? I wonder if I’m really just bored, so I’m in the relationship only out of fear of abandonment, or I don’t appreciate the person I have and want infatuation…?
From what I understand, this is just a hint to look into my feelings and see what’s missing for my inner child…
And another thing, if you could explain these feelings of rejection, being unloved, and disconnected from love. I understand how they arise and manifest. But I notice that I simply cannot overcome these feelings even if I surrender to them and float in them. I notice the same in people who have similar feelings (more pronounced, more visible on the surface), like me, and who were raised under such circumstances. So I wonder if I’m doing something wrong because the feelings never reach catharsis and they emerge again in similar situations, no matter how much I revive them and try to perceive them differently. I don’t believe that external change is possible, but I think achieving catharsis of these feelings is very difficult, at least for me, perhaps I’m just starting to work on myself!? Somehow, I feel that when I feel depressed, simply entering those feelings makes it worse, worse than when I engage in an activity and try to distract myself from those feelings of depression and hopelessness because I think otherwise I would fall into even deeper something. For example, I often hear and see on TV, at university… that when people feel depressed, lonely, sad, they engage in some activity, sports, work, etc., to distract themselves and feel better… so I wonder if that’s also a way of escaping from unpleasant feelings and experiencing them!?? Or would it be better for them after some time to stay in those feelings and experiences no matter how uncomfortable they may be.
Answer: I have written about the loss of passion in the articles “Does Love Last for 3 Years?” and “How To Keep Passion Alive.” I’ll add that the causes of loss of passion can be different, so you need to explore your emotions and determine what sounds most likely:
- Some people are biologically conditioned to seek adrenaline and excitement (but then this usually shows in other areas of life).
- Sometimes we can sabotage a relationship if we are unconsciously bonded to a parent of the opposite (or same) gender (emotional incest). Then we can feel subtle guilt if we were to truly connect with someone else.
- We seek someone to fulfill our emotional needs – approval, attention, interest, etc., and since we cannot permanently solve this through a relationship with someone else, every relationship eventually becomes insufficient (this sounds quite likely based on what you’re writing).
- Possible dismissive/avoidant attachment style (see: Attachment Styles and Disorders & How To Heal Them)
- Poor communication within the relationship.
- Believing that a romantic relationship must always remain in the infatuation phase and not knowing how to transition into the next, enduring phase – commitment and trust. Perhaps you’ve confused the feeling of “butterflies in the stomach” (which result from anxiety) with love. Then when the butterflies disappear, you conclude that it’s loss of passion and love.
- Choosing partners based on superficial traits.
- Perfectionism (usually a result of excessive expectations and parental criticism during upbringing).
- The “grass is greener on the other side” mentality.
- Dissociation (separation) from emotions, which makes it impossible to appreciate subtle emotions, so we only enjoy intense ones (similar to the adrenaline-seeking we mentioned earlier). After some time, you can even become accustomed to intense stimuli, and then they too won’t be enough, and the cycle repeats. It’s necessary to practice deeper emotional awareness so that emotional stimulation can come from calmer experiences.
Regarding the second part of your question, I generally believe that it’s important to develop awareness of your own emotions and inner life, but awareness alone is not enough to resolve unpleasant emotions. I agree that identifying and surrendering to those emotions can sometimes lead to their amplification. The attitude of emotional awareness is not necessarily the attitude of surrender. In our approach, we view unpleasant emotions as a consequence of unresolved and unhealthy relationships. To resolve them, we focus on working with the inner child and subconscious perception of important relationships (usually from childhood).
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